Bush Declares “War on Poverty”
New clues link poor, weak and hungry to terrorism
by Arthur King

WASHINGTON D.C. – 17 December 2006 – President G.W. Bush today opened a new front in the War on TerrorTM: the “War on Poverty.”

The new campaign follows hot on the heels of a top-level report released by a government think-tank. That report for the first time links poverty to despair, and despair to support for terrorist organizations. This “smoking gun” linking the poor, the weak and the hungry to terrorism, seems set to fundamentally alter both the scope and prosecution of the War on TerrorTM.

“We will fight poverty wherever we find him,” said Bush at a White House press briefing. “Rest assured that the poor and desperate people of this world will not rest easy while I am President. Our mission is now clear: to wage war on the poor. We will leave no hovel unturned [sic] in our remorseless drive to eradicate poverty, desperation and terror from the face of the planet.”

Breakthrough in intelligence
With support for the War on TerrorTM at an all-time low, the report comes at a crucial moment for the administration. Critics have been particularly vocal about the occupations of Iraq and Afghanistan which, in the words of one commentator, have succeeded only “in liberating an awful lot of sheep from their owners.”

In particular, critics have condemned the administration for using traditional military tactics against insurgents who simply vanish into the crowd.

The new report suggests the enemy is the crowd. Logically then, if the crowd is the enemy it is a far easier enemy to eradicate, which is why the report is seen as the breakthrough the administration desperately needs.

“Wherever we establish that link [between poverty and desperation] you can be sure we will strike swiftly – and we will strike with infinite justice,” said Bush.

Despair list
While refusing to discuss specifics, Bush did confirm that U.S. military advisers had already established a list of countries where poverty, ignorance and disease had led to despair and the growth of terrorist organizations.

“We have a target list of countries where the people are poor and desperate. We have served them notice. The message is clear: Do something about your poverty and desperation before we do. We have the technology ... we have the capability ... and we have the will. We will prevail.”

Though Bush declined to reveal the names of targets, experts believe those countries targeted for eradication of poverty and desperation include Sudan, Somalia, Iran, Cuba, and the last remnants of the Palestinian settlements.

Yes, but . . .
Questions remain, however, with some allies divided over the contents of the report and the direction of the “War on Poverty.”

Typically, Tony Blair was upbeat, suggesting that the new war front provided “a groundbreaking opportunity, an opportunity which, if grasped effectively, and effectively implemented, could eradicate poverty, once and for all.”

However, dissenting voices suggested that poverty need not necessarily lead to despair, and that diet, for instance, played a critical role.

“You can eat more healthy vegetables, which will improve your diet and lift your spirits. Brussel sprouts, for instance, are a seasonal favourite. They are great with a cheese sauce, and very cheap right now,” said a spokesman for the Department of Health and Social Services.

Bush soldiers on
Asked whether he was bothered by the concerns of left-leaning governments in Europe, Bush was unwavering.

“Our duty is to the families of those who died on September 11. And to ensure that those events do not repeat themselves on American soil. Wherever there are poor people, wherever there are weak people, wherever there are hungry people, there may be desperate people – and our military advisers will be there, using all necessary means to ensure the potential for terror is eradicated.”