Monday, January 15, 2007

New for 2007, from Dershowitz & Gonzalez! The Neo Con Bible!
Resolves Hundreds of Everyday Bible-related Conflicts in a Handy Q&A Format!


PROBLEM 1: You have a mission to accomplish. You need to kill hundreds of thousands of Muslims in order to define your legacy as president, and simultaneously hasten The End Times. But the Bible says, “Thou Shalt Not Kill!” What can you do?

PROBLEM 2: You need to have hot tamale methamphetamine-inspired anal sex with a cute little rent-boy, but you’re the leader of a powerful Christian evangelical movement, and Leviticus says your bottom must burn in hell if you have anal motel love. Now what? You’re burning up either way, but which way is the Right Way?!!

Now the True Path to God is Illuminated, with the exciting Neo Con Bible, from Dershowitz & Gonzalez! With its handy Q&A style and portable format, the Neo Con Bible fits the needs of even the busiest Public Figure with a Need to Appear Morally Upright. Designed for Busy Hypocrites the world over, The Neo Con Bible tells it like it is now, was then, and ever shall be, with added amendments. This Good Book pulls no punches, as it resolves thorny issues and leads you to the path that’s best for you!!

Use the Neo Con Bible to guide you at school, at work, or while invading oil-rich third-world nations.

Our experts spoke directly to God, and here’s what He said about their problems!

Neo Con: Hey God! Can I kill people?
God: Thou shalt not kill! Unless the person is of another religion (Deut 17:2-7); or, if she’s a priest’s daughter who has become a whore, you know, sleeping around and so on, in which case she should be burned at the stake (Levi 21:9); also, anyone who dreams or prophesies against God, or anyone who tries to turn you from God, should be killed (Deut 13:5); and if anyone, even your own family, suggests worshipping another God, kill them (Deut 13:6-10); and of course, if you happen to find out that a city worships a different God, you should destroy the city and kill all of its inhabitants . . . including the animals (Deut 13:12-15); oh, and kill anyone with a different religion. Did I already say that?
Neo Con: You did, but thanks God! Now about having lava-hot anal sex in a motel under the influence of methamphetamine while being leader of a large Christian evangelical organisation . . .
God: Dwarves are not allowed near the altar of God (Levi 21:20).
Neo Con: What?
God: They may eat the bread of God – both the Most Holy and the Regular Holy Stuff – but they have a defect and can’t come near the altar. (Levi 21:23). Also, you shall have honest scales, honest weights, an honest ephah and an honest hin (Levi 19:36).
Neo Con: Oh. Thanks.
God: I am the Lord your God who brought you out of Egypt.
Neo Con: No you didn’t.
God: It’s a metaphor. It’s not meant to be taken literally.
Neo Con: What? None of it?
God: No, none of it. It’s like, you know, a way of being, dude. A path. You’re meant to interpret it and apply it to your life as needed.
Neo Con: Thank you.
God: You’re welcome. And don’t wear wool-linen mix scarves (Levi 19:19).

2 comments:

MR Bill said...

Arthur, You really need a "ask the neo-con Bible" section as a regular feature, like the 'letters from the editor" section of the old National Lampoon...
So "Dick in DC asks: it is written 'You shall not wrong or oppress a resident alien, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt', but if they are from nasty countries filled with possible alQuada terrorists, or brown people needed to keep wages low, is it not prudent policy to wrong and opress them? I mean, get real.."

Arthur King said...

Dear Mr. Bill,

I like this idea very much, and shall do my best to put it into action. Very nice. Yes, it reminds me of my own Catholic childhood. I distinctly remember a Sunday sermon about rich men passing through the arse of a camel and entering heaven directly. Something like that. Anyway, the main thrust was that the priest pointed out that Jesus got it wrong: you can exploit people AND go to Heaven. However, I think you have to be a card-carrying Catholic.