Wednesday, February 20, 2008

California sues God
Global warming cited in landmark legal action
by Arthur King

February 19, 2007 -- Los Angeles -- California is suing God, in a landmark legal case. The case follows erratic snowfalls this winter which left many of the state’s lawyers and their yoga instructors stranded in the mountains without snow for days at a time.

Legal suits are among California’s main exports, together with pornography, yoga and 12-step recovery programmes. The suit is expected to generate trillions of dollars and will require an army of aromatherapists and dog psychologists to maintain the emotional wellbeing of the legal team, and their pets.

The plaintiffs claim they were caused undue emotional distress due to the lack of snow over the traditional holiday season. They felt a collective sense of betrayal that had led to the formation of numerous support groups, causing scheduling conflicts in busy lives, and at least one awful film starring Clare Danes.

“It says, ‘In God We Trust’ on the money, but I’m afraid God has betrayed that trust,” said a California Bar Association spokesman. “Frankly, God’s been getting away with these acts of his for a long time, but global warming is an Act of God too far.”

Asked whether it might be better to adopt green energy policies to cut carbon dioxide emissions, the Bar spokesman disagreed.

“A lot of my clients booked skiing holidays this year and there was no snow. They were severely traumatised. God claims he is responsible for everything. Well, it’s time for him to explain global warming.”

Theologians disagreed, arguing that God doesn’t need to explain himself, he just does whatever the hell he wants.

The Bar disagrees.

“You can’t be God and just have a clause protecting you from your own actions. It’s omnipotence of the worst kind.”

God did not respond to calls for comment.


Anonymous said...

Prayers are answered.

The collective consciousness of all the recovery circles and yoga chanting was actually answered by God in the form of much needed snow and rain in California.

The silly lawsuits by these yogis were more the reason for some serious tort reform.

Hence our votes for Arnold.

Silly Arthur. You've been out of CA much too long.

Arthur King said...

Oh, so that's what made the roads all wet. Prayers.

I was wondering.

Well, thank goodness global warming's over, anyway. That's one less thing to worry about.

By the way, though you may have voted for tort reform, I think you collectively voted for Arnold because you were collectively silly enough to believe that Gray Davis was solely responsible for 30 years of fiscal irresponsibility.

You might have failed to notice that Arn immediately dropped a US$19 billion lawsuit against the energy companies who gouged California back in the late 1990s (which some would argue would have filled the fiscal hole nicely, and some might further argue the suit was the cause of the campaign against Davis).

But if Arnold answers your prayers, so be it.

I'm just a little worried what else you're praying for though?

Anonymous said...

nnnfken - work out why I wrote that one you genius! ha hahhh...

Arthur King said...

Because you can't spell?

I suppose my inability to guess means I am not a genius by your implied definition.

That's three fallacies you've employed in one sentence (without proper punctuation).

1. If you can't work this our you're not a genius (argumentum ad hominem).

2. Your claim to be a genius is false (straw man).

3. Either you work this out or you're not a genius (either/or reasoning).

Now that is genius.

Josh Goller said...

Love this kind of satire! For others who do, here's a couple great sites...

One for political satire:
Adjust Yourself

And one for religious satire:
The Blog of Christ