Letters exchanged with a young American on the subject of his first visit to Europe

Dear Arthur,

Having been in Europe for two days, I believe I have learned enough about its several customs and peoples to write a book. I figure you might have a read, to fact-check it, seeing as you once were from Europe yourself (before you woke up, smelled the coffee, and went running for the security and freedom of American citizenship by impregnating one of our loose women and thus forcing her into marriage with you).

Keep enjoying that freedom my ancestors fought and died for ... against your ancestors ... who hated freedom ... just like the terrorists of today do.

-"Firebrand" Lewis


Peasant Lewis:

Much as it distresses me to write to your sort, I feel I must point out a few mistakes in your overall analysis. My fee for this sort of thing is usually a patch of land. I would take Vermont, but its natives drive Subarus, consult soothsayers and wear sandals with socks. Perhaps you could do something about that when you get home?

Anyway, to take your points in order:

#1 [you impregnated] one of our loose women, thus forcing her into marriage with you.

It can hardly be my fault if your women seek greener pastures. I see that recently you built a really big fence between yourselves and Mexico. You claim that this is to stop Latinos stealing your jobs, but you and I know this is not true: after all, without Latinos, your country would have to close.

The fence will not work my friend: women will always find a way to leave if they are not sexually satisfied.

Perhaps you should employ the Latinos in dildo factories?

#2 Apparently, not all European countries want to become future States of America.

Germany does not. France is in fact your mother, which is why you two don’t get along.

#3 Many black people in Europe don't realize they are free today because of Abraham Lincoln. They also don't like to be called African-Americans.

Who is this Lincoln? Are all your politicians named after automobiles?

#4 Most Americans, due to ignorance, think the British and the English are very similar, but when you get to know them you learn they are very different.

I always wonder why we did away with the terms serf and peasant, don’t you? No, probably not, anyway, things were much easier before, and everyone understood where they were. This naming of things is going too far.

What next? Will women refuse to be branded after marriage?

#5 Not everyone in Europe is grateful to the United States for saving them in World Wars 1 and 2, but they should be.

You were late. The whole thing was practically over when you arrived. The least you could do is send an apology.

Where were you by the way? Conjugating irregular German verbs under the bed?

The Soviets saved us, and we had to let them have half of Europe as a consequence. Dreadful state of affairs.

#6 Europeans don't water down your coffee when you ask for a cup of American coffee because they hate America. They water it down because they are dumb and don't know how to make a real cup of coffee.

Actually we water it down because that is American coffee.

#7 In Spain they speak a slightly different type of Spanish than Mexicans do in America. This is why I am having trouble ordering burritos and tacos. They keep giving me fish and rice, which is obviously what they think Americans eat.

I have no idea what you Americans eat, but whatever it is, it is making you all fat.

Your lord, master and better, etcetera,

Arthur King