God Wanted
Germans seek arrest of “shadowy figure” on war crimes charges
By Arthur King

BERLIN, Montag – In a radical philosophical departure, German lawyers filed suit against God for crimes against humanity today. A German state prosecutor has issued a warrant for God’s arrest, on a charge of war crimes committed during the invasion and occupation of Iraq. Under German law, courts can prosecute people for war crimes regardless of where the crimes were committed, or where the individual lives.

The legal suit follows remarks made by U.S. President G.W. Bush regarding his Crusade into Iraq. When asked whether he spoke to his dad before he ordered the invasion, Bush Jr said he spoke to a “higher father.” The term is common code among religious fanatics for God.

Bush has also claimed that "God wants me to be president," and "God speaks through me,” comments made in 1999 and 2004 respectively. However, most damning of all was his insistence that “God told me to strike at al-Qaeda and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did.”

Labia madness
The team of lawyers considered Bush’s comments evidence enough to file suit against God, a shadowy figure who has never been captured on film, but who commands armies of “God-botherers” across the world.

Fuelled by Armageddon prophecies and unhealthy attitudes towards sex, God-botherers are bitterly opposed to women, women’s bodies, the clitoris, the labias majora and minora, and multiple orgasms. They vehemently dislike the word lubrication, and will go bright red if forced to say it.

They are particularly angry about breasts, and believe that the emergence of women’s nipples in the 1960s heralds the coming of the End Times.

Ordinarily, God-botherers are harmless, despite their remorseless leafleting and the way they harp on about the “Good Times” you can have if you don’t masturbate.

However, extreme sects of “God-botherers” try to push the Armaggedon boat out early, hence their support for the invasion of Iraq, a country they believe could be Satan’s holiday apartment, and a potential catalyst for Armageddon.

Got God?
Though armed with an arrest warrant, the lawyers now have to find and arrest their man.

Since God’s botherers claim He is omnipresent, technically that means you can bother Him at any time, even in Germany, which does tend to close fairly early.

Some argue that the lawsuits could make life difficult for God, and will force Him to reduce His omnipresence, or face arrest.

However, prosecuting divinities for war crimes has a patchy record according to legal experts, who argue the lawsuit might just be too ambitious. For one thing, no one can agree what God looks like, or how to get in touch with him directly.

Many do not even believe in his existence, and others say that while he might have created Planet Earth, he deserted us a long time ago. Some argue that Dick Cheney is the man Bush refers to as his “higher father,” and since God would not shoot his friends in the face, Cheney cannot be God.

Others insist that, based on their experience of life, he could be.