US Administration Loses Freedom in America
Terrorists suspected of theft; CIA searches emails for clues
by Arthur King

Washington, Tuesday – Startled Americans woke up to more than the sound of alarm bells this morning when it was revealed that their government had lost their freedom and didn’t know where to find it. The suspicion is that terrorists – the enemies of freedom – have stolen it.

Perhaps more disturbingly, the realization that America's precious freedom had gone missing only occurred when the president ordered secret service agents to find and protect it, fearing that terrorists might want to steal it. It was when those same agents began to hunt freedom down that they realized it had vanished from America.

“The harder we tried to protect freedom, the harder it became to find,” said a CIA source.

The same source added that freedom had seemed to become more elusive the more they tried to detain it. "It seemed almost like the very act of searching for freedom caused it to become more distant,” the source said.

Only following orders
The loss of freedom has inspired an immediate response from government, which has deployed the secret services to search through people’s emails.

“Writing is the greatest act of freedom a people may have,” said an official, explaining the move. “There is far more power in the written word than in the spoken: after all, writing passes on across cultures, generations, and into history, empowering people for generations. Therefore, if you lose freedom, that is where you will find it: in the private correspondence of the people.”

Government sources denied that the act of scouring people’s emails was in fact a ruse to deny freedom of speech, insisting instead that they were protecting freedom by trying to find it and put it in a safe place where the terrorists – the enemies of freedom – couldn’t get to it.

“We have found a number of people who seem to have some trace of freedom in their writing,” said a CIA spokeperson. “We will be interviewing these people to establish if they have close links to terrorists who may have stolen it. Hopefully this will lead us to find freedom so we can detain it.”

Freedom will be detained
The president was quick to assure Americans that freedom would be found, and saved. “Rest assured that we will not give up our search,” he said. “Night and day, day and night, our agents will be out there searching for freedom. They will leave no stone unturfed, no avenue untrammeled. Wherever freedom is, we will find it. We will hunt it down, put it in a box and detain it there, so it is safe for future generations.”