Sunday, April 22, 2007

Letter to the Gun-Nuts from the North American Hunting Club who keep offering me Free Membership

Dear Fellow Hunter,
Would you mind very much if I sent you a free rifle or bow to try next time you hunt?

Dear Gun-Nut,

Not at all. I should point out that I don’t hunt. I think you got me on your mailing list because I filled out one of those Product Registration cards incorrectly. You know, they ask you for lots of personal details, like what you read, and what your hobbies are?

I think it was the registration card for The Wife’s Breast Pump. I put down that I earned over $250,000 a year, and my hobbies were flower gardening, hunting wild boar, and knitting blankets for orphans. I guess that’s how come I’m on your mailing list.

Sorry, I was just fucking around.

How about a free rain suit? A free knife? A free box of ammo? Or a bottle of scent?

Okay, okay, slow down. Let’s think about this.

I don’t need a rain suit, a knife, ammo, or any “Essence of Oestrating Deer Vagina.”

But send the rifle.

I wouldn’t use it myself, but I could do with the extra cash now that we have the nipper, and can probably sell the rifle to my crack dealer. He can shift it on to some bipolar kid who needs it to fulfill his schizoid fantasies.

Yeah, send the gun.

Our 800,000 members enjoy all types of hunting: whitetail, big game of all kinds (elk, muleys, moose, bear and more), turkey, upland gamebirds, waterfowl and more.

I take it there are no supermarkets near you then? We have an Albertson’s near us, which I find is overpriced and not very good. We go to Koreatown mostly for groceries; you get a lot more for your dollar there I find. And Trader Joe’s is just perfect for those little must-haves in sachets. I find that their vacuum-packed Saag Paneer is just perfect for those evenings when you really don’t want to cook.

You’re exactly the kind of person our Club is looking for.

That’s very sweet of you. I have to say that blowing the faces off of dull, meandering beasts of the field and forest has never really appealed.

And smearing myself in “Essence of Moose Pussy” and crawling around the countryside waiting for a Big Buck to show up isn’t really my idea of a good time either.

However, it is flattering to be invited.

Please don’t delay. Return the enclosed Acknowledgment today.

Okay, I’ll ask The Wife.

PS Start enjoying your membership today by using the FREE gifts I’ve enclosed in this envelope. Use your FREE Hunting License Holder the next time you hunt. Keep your Notepad handy for jotting notes. Display your hunting pride by putting the FREE Big Buck and Club decals in the window of your truck or car.

The Wife said no, but thanks for the notepad. She just gave me a shopping list.

“Saag paneer. Sanitary napkins. Chardonnay. Tofu."

No guns.