Saturday, February 17, 2007

US Purchased Iraqi Democräcie from Ikea
Military tries to return product in Burbank, California

By Arthur King

Los Angeles, California – Startling leaked documents suggest the United States administration purchased its Iraqi democracy from Ikea, in Burbank, California, then tried to return it when it didn’t like the way it looked. However, the military lost the original packaging, and exceeded the 45-day limit on returns, which is why it is now stuck in Baghdad.

The product, Democräcie, was a special order, and is said to have cost US$2 trillion.
Ikea’s policy is that goods may be returned up to 45 days after the purchase date, provided they are unused and in their original packaging. The invasion of Iraq has now lasted 1,430 days.

Doubt has been cast on the authenticity of the Democräcie documents, but many analysts say they appear genuine enough to have hoaxed the US administration, which would explain the current situation on the ground in Iraq. The documents are published here for the first time.

How to install

The box on the top left of the plans shows how not to install Democräcie, (indicated by the really big X through the middle of the picture). The box directly below it shows an inventory of equipment needed for correct installation. The easy two-step process for installing Democräcie is shown in the two panels to the right. Panel 1 shows a bombing campaign, while Panel 2 shows a successfully installed Democräcie.

An elaborate hoax?
Hörst Hörstenson of Malmö, an architect and expert in Ikea design, claims that while the plans appear genuine, they are in fact an elaborate hoax.
“They certainly carry all the hallmarks of Ikea designs,” said Hörstenson. “They cover complex issues in broad brushstrokes, and in no way reveal the incredible complexity or inordinate amount of time required to complete the installation. For example, the Iraqi people are portrayed without religious, ethnic or social complexity. They are one-dimensional stereotypes.

“What is most deceptive about this though,” said Hörstenson, “is that this appears to be the kind of Democräcie plan that was used in Iraq. It was ill thought out, and painted in the simplest of terms. In fact, if you had to define the invasion of Iraq, you would say it was perhaps designed by a 12-year-old Boy Scout; someone who has been taught that violent cleansing methods, like cold baths, are solutions to long-term, complex problems.

"However, the fact is these plans do appear to have been hand-drawn by a 12-year-old. Again, that could accurately reflect the kind of Democräcie that has been established in Iraq, and the minds behind it, but what gives it away for me, what shows me that this is clearly not an Ikea product is this: it is much too simple.”

Hörstenson did concede that the US Administration could have been fooled by the plans, and may have even used them. “Certainly, these plans are not going to convince an intelligent person, but they could easily have deceived these people, particularly because they wanted to believe that you can establish Democräcie by bombing people.”

Few international leaders were willing to comment on the drawings, though Tony Blair did take a typically optimistic view. “If this is Democräcie,” said Blair, “then that is what the Iraqis have. In which case, the installation of Democräcie in Iraq has been a success. Clearly the situation on the ground is Democräcie, and that is what we set out to establish. I take this as very positive news.”

Are the plans genuine? Does Iraq have a Democräcie? Post your comment. Okay, don’t.

With thanks to Andreas, for suggesting this as an Arthur King column.