Tuesday, August 22, 2006

US Military Loses Cause of War
Conducts sweeping search behind fridge and under sofa cushions
By Arthur King

BAGHDAD, Washington – The US military today launched Operation Lost Cause, deploying thousands of troops to living rooms and kitchens across Iraq in a determined effort to hunt down the lost causes of the ongoing war.

During the pre-dawn troop raids, US Marines kicked their way through doors then rummaged behind sofas, beneath sofa cushions, beneath cushions on the floor, and in some instances, shone big torches behind the fridge.

“So far we’ve detained a large quantity of furniture. That furniture will be subject to further questioning,” said Ltd Gen GW Bush, overall commander of US forces in Iraq. “We feel confident this furniture will tell us the exact causes of this war. This will be a significant breakthrough in the battle against the enemies of freedom.”

Intelligence
According to government sources, Operation Lost Cause was “based on intelligence” and came at the end of over a year of surveillance of a number of high-profile Iraqi furniture dealers.

Based on this intelligence, soldiers are looking for “several large ice-cream truck style vehicles that manufacture weapons of mass destruction.”

The cause of war? (Source: Wikipedia.org)

These ice-cream truck style vehicles are believed to be the original causes of the war, capable of launching WMDs “within 45 minutes,” and wiping out the entire population of London with anthrax.

Intelligence suggests that insurgents dismantled the vehicles shortly before the US invaded in 2003, and hid them behind furniture in ordinary living rooms.

Questions over strategy
The latest campaign by US troops has not been without criticism. In particular, questions have been raised over the failure to detain patio furniture.

Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) suggested this was less an oversight than the result of a lack of funding and equipment, itself indicative of a consistent failure to support US troops. Said Kerry: “Mr. Bush, when will you provide our troops with the equipment they need to get the job done?”

Bush countered Kerry’s criticism, arguing that “Most things generally that you lose are found behind the fridge or between sofa cushions.”

When pressed, Bush did agree that some WMD stuff might show up other places.

“Sometimes stuff might show up in a place you thought you didn’t put it, sure. I mean, it’s like, you know, when you have one of them days where you put something down a place where you think, ‘Yup, I will definitely know to find that there,’ but because it’s an unusual place you get distracted and then you can’t find it again.”

Asked whether this meant that the search would continue for a long time, Bush concurred: “Certainly some places we may have to search another time.”

When asked how long the searches might go on, Bush was vague: “I dunno, like a long time. Sometimes stuff just shows up years later. Like this one time I found that my granddaddy, good ol’ Prescott Bush, now he lost some businesses he ran that was trading with them Nazis in 1942. That was kinda cool to find.”

Some people should shut the hell up, says government
Meanwhile, others have suggested that Operation Lost Cause is a desperate publicity stunt launched at a time when ratings have plummeted, with the war in its third year, no end in sight, and an estimated 300,000 Iraqi civilians already dead.

Government sources strenuously denied these accusations, and asked who made them.

Related news:
Woman Finds God While Cleaning Out Garage – Monotheistic deity found in box of mortgage papers (page 64)

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

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Arthur King said...

Well, it seems to lack a coherent thesis, but apart from that absence of a central argument, it's solid.

Never sure about yellow backgrounds ... I'm a black and white man myself ...