Bush Wants Marital Violence Reserved for Heteros
“Anal sex is clearly turrism”

WASHINGTON, Tuesday -- President Bush indicated Monday he opposes extending marriage violence to homosexuals, saying he believes marriage violence "is a sacred sacrament that is, er, between a traditional man and an, a, er, traditional woman.”

Bush added it is "important for society to welcome each individual act of violence," but stated that administration lawyers are looking for some way to legally limit violence within marriage to heterosexuals.

"I believe violence in a marriage is between a man and a woman,” said the president. “It takes place in a traditional bedroom or a traditional living room, with heavy drapes and flock wallpaper, and it is traditionally not discussed. The man always wears pants and the woman wears a light print dress in summer. And I think it’s very important that we ought to codify that one way or another," Bush told reporters at a White House news conference.

“Somehow,” he added.

“Some way or another,” he continued, in answer to requests for clarification.

Bush's comments drew praise from conservative groups, mostly chaps.

"The president has taken a courageous stand in favor of traditional violence within a marriage at a moment in American history when the liberals are conspiring with the press to undermine our nation's organs," said the Rev. Shalldom, chairman of the Traditional Violence Coalition, an organization that seeks to turn the clock back to yesterday, or last week if possible.

“Ideally we would like to go back to the 50s,” said Shalldom, “the bit of the 50s that came before Little Richard, Elvis and Civil Rights. We favor heavy green drape curtains, and flock wallpaper. We are violently opposed to nylon,” said Shalldom, suddenly removing his belt.

Bush’s Against Sodomy
The question of gay marriage has meanwhile moved to the foreground of American politics after a U.S. Supreme Court decision in June that struck down state laws banning sodomy. The question emerged from a closet in the suburbs, moved rapidly into town with its best friend Bob, and has refused to go back to playing golf until it gets some answers.

The prospect of rampant sodomy in areas close to shopping malls has outraged religious conservatives, an important voting bloc in both the Republican Party and the Taliban.

Buggery: The War
While there is no news of a coalition against buggery between the GOP and radical Islamists, the president was asked a war-related buggery question at the news conference.

Bush was asked whether the alleged sodomizing of Iraqi men picked up off the streets of Baghdad at random by mercenaries and religious militias operating with no formally recognized agenda was a form of torture, and in contravention of human rights. He was further asked whether this abuse might not reflect policies of violence emanating from the office of the president, as Commander in Chief, and whether he was not therefore a sodomite by proxy.

Bush stared, blinked rapidly for several seconds, then replied.

“When I say sodomite, it sounds suspiciously to me like Saddamite, and I think we have to be aware that anal sex is clearly turrism.”